@justinbieber: Monday 12.16 #Journals
The past few days have been torture. I’ve been pushing everyone away and locking myself in my room. Both my sister and Justin have knocked my door several times in the past four days, but I didn’t have the courage to answer.
Works also been hard, the staff know about what has happened and Mr Somers had even asked me to take the week off, but I refused. I’ve only been working in this school for a school week now and I couldn’t take any more time off. As well work is the only thing that takes my mind of my mom, If I was to stay at home, I would’ve gone mad.
Justin has tried to hang around at the end of lessons, after and before school to try and talk to me, but I’d just tell him to leave or make up any odd excuse on the spot. I know I’m going to feel guilty in the near future, but this is my way of grieving.
The last bell of the day rang bringing me out of my thoughts, as I watched the pile of juniors rush out of the room. And, as expected Justin showed up 2 minutes later. He walked in wearing a grey beanie, a white short sleeved top with grey sweat pants. Justin looked at me after putting out a chair from the front table and placing it next to my desk. He looked tired, guilt rushed over my entire body. He had called me every other hour last night. But I was too selfish to pick up. I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t want to see me again after the last four days.
“Look,” he began. “I know you don’t want to see me, and you’re probably already sick of me but you’re not leaving this room until you talk to me.” He narrowed his eye at me.
I sighed and looked down reading the last paragraph of the coursework I was marking. I put the student’s grade at the top of the paper, making a small comment and putting it on top of the pile of already marked coursework. Just as I was going to pick up the last paper, Justin’s hand took mine. I moved my eyes over to his to see him staring at me. “Talk to me,” he whispered with pleading eyes.
“What do you want?” I finally asked. There was no point in keeping quite he wasn’t going to leave me alone.
“I want you to talk to me, you’re going to dig yourself into a deeper hole if you keep yourself locked up and away from everyone.” He spoke sincerely.
“Okay.” I sighed after a moment, “but not here. I have one more left to mark then I’m done.” I said grabbing my bag and taking my house keys out. I can’t risk anyone seeing Justin and I leave together and it’s not like he is going to burgle my house or anything. “Here have these, I’ll meet you there,” I said passing him the keys. Justin nodded and walked out of the classroom.
I walked into the living room and found Justin sitting on one of the leather sofas talking on the phone to someone. Once he saw me he said a quick goodbye to whoever he was talking to and put his phone into his front pocket.
I smiled at him and walked into the kitchen asking if he wanted a drink or anything. He replied with a no as I filled the kettle up with water and turned it on. Justin sat at the breakfast bar across from me fiddling with his fingers.
After a moment of silence he spoke. “I know it’s been hard on you the past few days, I’m sor-,” I cut him off before he finished his sentence.
“No stop, I don’t need your sympathy. If that’s why you’re here you can go. I hate people like that.” I snapped and looked down at my shoes.
“Just fucking listen to me!” Justin raised his voice, as I moved my head towards him. “You may not like it, but you’re going to get it from a lot of people. So just get fucking used to it. Also, if you let me finish off without interrupting.” He continued, and he was right. I’m going to get sympathetic looks from everyone around me and I’m dreading for the funeral. I don’t think I’ll be able to look into anyone’s eyes.
“As, I was saying. I’m sorry for what had happened. I can kind of relate, my grandpa died of cancer and himself he didn’t know he even had it until a couple of days before he died. I don’t blame you for not talking to me, and I know you haven’t been talking to Alex either. But, you can’t just keep your feelings to yourself. If you don’t speak about them one day you’ll just have enough of everything and you’ll just blow up.” He said moving closer to me until he reached me. “Well not literally blow up but you know what I mean.” He chuckled, making me crack a smile for the first time in four days.
“Hey, I got you to smile.” He grinned. “Anyway, please just tell me what you’re feeling. I don’t want you blocking me out any longer or Alex, she’s your sister. She’s going through the same thing you are but you’re both dealing with it separately.” Justin spoke calmly with his eyes staring into mine.
I wrapped my arms around Justin’s waist the second he stopped speaking and let the tears fall I had been keeping inside of me. The day I found out about my mom’s death, I cried and cried. Then that night I realised crying doesn’t help anything. It won’t bring her back, so I stopped and I hadn’t cried since.
Justin’s smoothing voice and the way he comforted me made me cry even more, thinking back at how my mom used to take care of me when I cried.